Ladies and Gentlemen please put your hands together for......
RANDY BENDERS
THE WHITE HART STADIUM PA ANNOUCER
PRE MATCH ANNOUNCEMENTS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WELCOME TO DOWN GRANGE SPORTS COMPLEX HOME OF THE WHITE HART LONDON ROAD,  THIS SUNDAY MORNING FOR WHAT PROMISES TO BE ANOTHER GREAT GAME. WE HAVE SOME DEDICATIONS TO PLAY AND ALSO SOME PRE MATCH ENTERTAINMENT TO GET YOU IN THE MOOD BEFORE THE BIG KICK OFF. SO LET'S GET UNDER WAY WITH THE FIRST DEDICATION FOR THAT BLOKE OVER THERE WALKING HIS DOG, IT'S THE BEE GEE'S WITH TRAGADY. (OH IT'S GOOD TO GET BACK ON THE MIC BERT, I'VE BEEN AWAY FOR TOO LONG. IT'S THE RUSH OF HAVING THE AUDIENCE IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND YOU SEE). SO THAT WAS THE BEE GEE'S. WELL A REAL TREAT FOR YOU NOW. FOR YOUR PLEASURE WE HAVE JOHN CLAXON AND HIS AMAZING SPOON PLAYING ACT. TAKE IT AWAY JOHN. (ERE BERT YOU DO ACTUALLY GET A CROWD HERE DON'T YOU ONLY IT'S LOOKING A BIT EMPTY AT THE MO....) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN MR JOHN CLAXON. WELL LOOKS LIKE THE NETS ARE UP AND THE TEAMS ARE READY TO KICK OFF SO LET'S GIVE A BIG PRE KICK OFF CHEER TO THE WHITE HART LONDON ROAD.
HALF TIME
(BERT YOU GOT ANYMORE OF THAT VODKA I'M STARTING TO BURN UP AGAIN, NERVES YOU SEE. I HAVE NEVER REALLY BEEN THE SAME SINCE THAT INCIDENT WHEN I WAS STARING ON BLACKPOOL PIER AND SOME OLD LADY PUSHED HER UMBRELLA..............   OH CHRIST I'M ON) WELL HALF TIME HERE AT DOWN GRANGE. BEFORE WE THE TEAMS COME BACK OUT FOR THE SECOND HALF WE HAVE SOME ON PITCH ENTERTAINMENT AGAIN IN THE SHAPE OF THAT DAD OVER THERE HAVING A QUICK KICK ABOUT IN THE GOAL MOUTH WITH IS 4 YEAR OLD SON. IT PROMISES TO HAVE MORE GOALMOUTH ACTION THAN THE MATCH HAS SO FAR I CAN TELL YOU. (BERT YOU HAVING A LAUGH, IS THAT ALL WE HAVE FOR THEM. RIGHT FROM NOW ON I TAKE CARE OF THE ENTERTAINMENT ROUND HERE. I HAVE A REPUTATION TO THINK OF. WHAT THE HELL WOULD BERNIE CLIFDON  THINK IF HE COULD SEE ME NOW.) OH AND THE LITTLE NIPPER SCORES AGAIN. WHAT A GOOD GOAL AND WHAT A SPORTING DAD FOR LETTING HIS SON WIN. WELL LOOKS LIKE ALL THE FAGS HAVE BEEN PUT OUT AND THE PLAYERS ARE NOW COMING BACK ONTO THE PITCH. SO PLEASE GET BEHIND THE PLAYERS FOR THIS SECOND HALF. (BERT GET THE PETTY CASH WE NEED TO SORT THIS FARCE OUT. THE NAME OF RANDY BENDERS WILL NOT BE PUT TO THIS. I WANT SHOWBIZ OUT THERE THIS TIME NEXT WEEK YOU HERE ME.)
POST MATCH
(SO YOU SEE I WENT TO PICK IT UP BUT AS I DID THE OLD LADY JUST SHOVED HER UMBRELLA.....MISSED MY QUEUE AGAIN QUICK THE MIC) WELL THAT IS IT FOR ANOTHER WEEK. THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING AND PLEASE COME AGAIN. I CAN'T PROMISE A WIN OR A BETTER GAME NEXT TIME BUT I CAN PROMISE THAT THE PRE MATCH AND HALF TIME ENTERTAINMENT WILL BE MUCH BETTER OR MY NAME IS NOT RANDY BENDERS. I'M HERE ALL SEASON GOODBYE.