|Date: 16th October 2002
Venue: St Mary's, Southampton
Occasion: England V Macedonia, EURO 2004 Qualifier
Final Score: 2-2
Conclusion: Become Welsh.
|Drastic times call for drastic measures, and the events that unfolded at St Mary's against Macedonia have left me with no other option but to turn to my Welsh roots. I am no fan of Sven Goran Eriksson as most of you know, I think he is a dire International manager and have done ever since he took over, but the shameful 2-2 was just about all I could stomach, and so I am left with no option but to use the loop hole of having a Welsh Granparent. This decision of course is backed up by Wales beating Italy 2-1. So I call to the nation to join me. Find your Welsh roots and come with me to the Valleys. It is time to abandon the English National team until a new manager is installed and we have a team we can be proud of, one that will fight for each other, one that will play with pride, one that plays enjoyable football, one that won't make us the laughing stock of the world.
So join me and get your name on the board of defectors and together we will over power the FA until we get the team we deserve. Mail me to get your name on the list at the usual address firstname.lastname@example.org
This may seem drastic, but like I said, these are drastic times in which we live. It's the only way to the Euro's 2004.
This is glory hunting in it's most shallow form, which might appeal to some armchair fans (Dave Brown).
And to help you out in the land of your new adopted country there is a rather helpful guide below so you don't feel like a stranger in your own home.
|The Defectors Board
|Possibly the first thing you think of when you think of Wales, thanks to the common myth. What most people do not know is that over three quarters of the sheep that can be seen in the fields of Wales are in fact prisoners. Due to Welsh prisons being very over crowded, people are now being sentenced to spending their time living as a sheep instead of behind bars. This may sound like a bit of a cop out and soft as a punishment, but when you remember the amount of horny Welsh Farmers out there and drunk students, you begin to realise just how bad such a sentence can be. Crime doesn't pay in Wales.|
|Manic Street Preachers|
|Local Boy done good.......
From the Valleys to chart stardom. Tom has made the most of his strong vocal talent making him possibly one of the biggest names to come out of Wales.
But dispite what you might think, The Welsh actually hate Tom Jones with a passion. Although singing is a national pass time in Wales, most think that Tom ditched his roots when he turned his back on singing down the coal mines and changing his coal clad overals for his tight suits and sex symbol status.
As a result Tom had to move to America where he could sniff all the underwear thrown at him during his shows in peace without having coal thrown through his windows. Tom did try to build bridges with the Welsh 10 years ago by agreeing to do a gig down a coal mine for the miners, but his voice was so powerful that it caused the mine to cave in over the audience.
|The Welsh version of lounge entertainer Richard Digance.
Max experienced late 70's and early 80's fame with his madcap performances.
A singer, comedian and all round entertainer, Max had it all. Dazzling his audience with his witty tales of life in Wales, it has been said that Max did more to promote the awareness of Wales than anyone else. As a result clean cut Max was given the freedom of Wales in 1985.
In 1987 Max disappeared after a scandal involving a story that infact proved he was Dutch. He is now thought to be working the club curcuit in Peru.
|Not a lot is known about St David. Patron St of Wales, it is thought that David did in fact head the army that helped defend Wales from a planned invasion by Scousers, who were on the run from the Kings army after knicking the wheels of the English Monachs carriage. St David of course now has a number of Churches named after him. Local folklore does say that David did originally want them to be nighclubs for local farmers, but died before the projects were completed, leaving the constructors to finish the job as close to David's vision as they could. We now know they were miles off.|
|The Valleys, untouched, picturesque and yet to become the victim of man's need to expand villages and towns in the name of enterprise. This is mainly due to an huge underground city that only the Welsh know about. It is thought to be the home to mutants that suddenly appeared all over Wales just after a UFO sighting in the mid 50's. Not wanting the worlds press to decend apon their country, they made them live underground away from the eyes of the world.|
|Leeks are infact the only kind of food available in Wales. Due to an on going paranoia that goes back to the 1200's, The Welsh are convinced that Scousers are constantly trying to infect all crops since their battle with St David. It is thought that Leeks are the only food they trust as they are now grown indoors under the individuals watchful eyes.|
|The hard hitting Manic's are one of Britains top bands. Their radical lyrics and music can all be traced back to their Welsh roots and years of growing up in the tough suburbs in their youth. As the self elected voice of Wales, the Manics tour Britain endlessly promoting their countries image in an attempt to get more of their fans living in Wales. The masterplan being that they would no longer have to leave Wales and tour Britain. Lazy gits.|
|As for the Welsh people themselves, well you couldn't wish to meet a nicer lot. But every silver lining has a cloud and you are likely to get covered in flem when they speak to you due to their own gibberish language. You will find that most of them will be called Boyo, and every sentence ends in the question "isn't it". A very happy set of people, you will find that they will burst into song at any time. And a load of blokes going off to singing practise is never frowned apon as odd. All in all a great nation of people (apart from all Cardiff fans who scare the living shit out of me)|
|And your free gift for defecting|
|Your very own Welsh team of Subbutteo figures.
You will be able to get used to all the Welsh players names and tactics by spending hours and hours indulged in everyone favourite table football game. You can either roll back the years and pretend the players are Ian Rush, Mark Hughes or even Southall, of play your 2002 heros and enjoy making Giggs go on one of his mazey runs. Or even allow Hartson to kick someone in the air without getting a single card. All yours if you defect with me The Ginge.