The Armchair Supporter
The Armchair Supporters Survival Guide
The Premiership
The Armchair Supporter
Match Of The Day
Sky Sports
On The Ball
The Armchair Supporter
Football Focus
Now it's not easy being what outsiders call an Armchair Supporter. What a lot of people do not realise while they are out actually seeing the action live, is just how much information is out there and how much we have to take in. Of course this makes us the real fans because with all this information we end up knowing more about the game than those who go to the games and get to see the action first hand.
You have to start your day off with something a bit lighthearted. And our friends at Sky Sports have just the ticket. Soccer Am. With Tim Lovejoy and that Helen bird who supports Devon United or something? They will supply you with a comical look at God's game. Taxi for Goater, oh love it. Comical genius.
And of course you get other quality items, but I can't think of them right now. You will soon get used to the gags because they use the same ones every week. Why change a winning formula is what I say.
Then it's a tricky one, because you have to choose between Football Focus on the BBC or Gabby and On The Ball on ITV. Now I am as much a warm blooded man as the next person, as long as he isn't Danny Mills of course, so Gabby Logan does tend to win more times than not with On The Ball. But Football Focus do have Mark Lawenson on and as I have said before I did used to like Liverpool in his era. But which ever one you choose there will be plenty of info you can pick up about past games and that days fixtures. Who is playing, who isn't. One last look at Gabby who always has the top three buttons undone of her blouse and you are ready for the big kick off at 3:00pm.
For the remainder of the afternoon there is only one choice. And that is the Gillette Soccer Saturday programme
on Sky Sports 1. Any bit of info you have missed leading up to the games will be covered here, and more. Add to that the expert opinions of Rodney Marsh and there is nothing else you could wish for. Ok so Rodney never get's it right dispite the fact that he acts as if he is right and everyone else is wrong, but you have to admire him. He is without doubt what every Armchair Supporter stands for. He is never at the games, and he is never right. Rodney we bow to you. And let us not forget George Best, the other god appears most saturdays when not at his AA meetings. He still has all his enthusiasum for the game there, but I understand that the doctors have told him not to show it because of his condition.
Soccer Saturday will take you all the way through to full time. Then give you all the stats you need. Ha you won't get that cheering your team on at the ground would ya.
Then of course it is all about what games have been played that day. If it has been a full league programme you have to go to ITV for The Premiership with our Des and those two wise cracking panelists Telly Vegtables and Ally McCoist. The coverage is fast and furious and you are lucky if you get to see more than 3 minutes of each game. But don't worry ITV know quality when they see it and always save the Man Utd game for last when they can show a good 30 minutes of highlights. Oh and don't forget Andy Townsend in his Tactics van. I want one of them, how cool.

But if it has been an FA Cup weekend you are forced to go to BBC, who for some reason think it funny to show the same amount of time showing other games as the Man Utd games. Don't they realise that Man Utd have the biggest fan base. We can't all go you know. How about catering for us. It's so hard to get tickets for Man Utd that I gave up after 2 minutes, 8 years ago. But you do get to hear the words of wisdom from Alan Hansen. Again one of my old heroes from the time when I supported Liverpool when they used to win things.

Now you would think that after watching all that coverage you would be fine and now the complete armchair supporter. Will it's does not finish there. This time the internet comes into play. It's not enough just knowing who scored for what team, or what all the results were. You have to know more. And here is where the OPTA Index comes in.
When arguing with these so called fans who waste their time getting to the grounds and spending 90 mins in the cold, you sometimes have to blind them with stats that matter. The OPTA Index can help you with that. If someone is say slagging of how good a player is simply click onto this site and find out all you need to know to prove them wrong. The Index will give you stats like minutes on the pitch, amount of passes played, the amount of crossed they have supplied, amount of studs they have on their boots, how many times they play with their nuts during a game. all you need to win any argument. They won't know what has hit them. It's all very well seeing these players in the flesh but you can not argue with the stats. But there are times when the OPTA will let you down. And if that happens there is only one person you can turn to for help.
Ever wondered where Motty gets all his facts from. You may have heard him mentioned before. Albert. He is always behind the scenes at the BBC collecting the stats and the facts for their live games. Well this Armchair Idol has now come to our rescue. On the BBC website you can now "Ask Albert" anything about the game and he can answer it for you. This is a god send when someone has got you in a corner in an argument. Sure it may delay your answer but you get to win in the end and show up these idiots once and for all. Always a good last resort for any Armchair Supporter.

Well that just about covers it. You are now ready to join the ever growing band of Pay Per View subscribers who are supposed to be killing the game, honestly the rubbish some people come out with. Anything else you need to know will be in my diary, which I will be keeping up to date for the remainder of the season and well into the World Cup.
Who needs the atmosphere of being there.

Mike The Manc
The Armchair Supporter
Stand Up Comedian