|There aint much to do in the summer, and now the World Cup is over it's that long wait until the pre-season friendly games are shown on Channel 5 and Sky. So what is a man to do. There was only one thing for it. A lads hoilday.
"Just keep it to yourself Bob, if Shaun get's wind of it you know he will only want to come as well, and fucked if I am putting up with him for a week, and tell Psycho to keep it quiet as well".
A week of beer and sun in Benidorm, what more could you want to take your mind off the fact that there was no football. Bliss. All I had to do was get down the travel agents first thing in the morning without bumping into Shaun. But when you have mates like mine some things are just impossible. Just as I was settling down to The Premiership Years on Sky there was a knock at the door. "Hi Mike, hope I'm not disturbing you" It was Shaun "You are actually Shaun I'll speak to you tomorrow if it's important". Of course I knew straight away that someone had let the cat out of the bag and told him about the planned holiday. "I won't be long Mike, it's just that I heard you were all going on holiday to Benidorm, well my 2nd cousin lives out there and runs a hotel, so I was just wondering if you wanted me to give him a ring and see if I could get you in for free, I'll have to come as well just so that there are no mix up's when we all get there like....."
Every silver lining seems to have a cloud, but this would save us loads, and if it was Shaun's cousin maybe he would want to spend time catching up with him?
"Shaun mate that's great, yeah we'll have some of that"
So that was that, Shaun was coming but we had a free hotel for the week.
Roll on the holiday.......................
We finally touched down in Benidorm, the flight had been a nightmare. Due to some mix up with the tickets (Bob had been in charge of those) none of us had been sat next to each other. Shaun, Psycho and Bob had all been mixed in with some hen party that was going out there and had a great laugh with them all. Bob even copped off with one of them and would have joined the mile high club if the bird he went to the bog with hadn't have got her foot stuck down the toilet.
|I was sat in between some married couple who argued during the whole flight, she had forgotten his pile cream or something. I tried to drown them out by watching the in flight film and all I could see in the corner of my eye the whole time was the bloke pointing to his arse and pissing about with some rubber ring thing.
The taxi ride was a quick one thank god and within 10 minutes we were finally at the Hotel Celimar, and it was only then that we all realised that maybe someone should have questioned Shaun a bit more about his cousins hotel.
"We only have to sleep here lads, it's not like we have to spend much time in the rooms is it". Shaun had not told us that his cousin's hotel was only classed as a one star, and it looked worse. "..and what if we pull and want to bring some bird back, we can hardly bring them back here can we, look at it, it looks like a detention hostal, fucking hell Shaun". We were all to tired to argue about it now and we went inside to check in. Just when I thought things were not going to get any worse I found out I was sharing with Shaun, while George and Bob would be sharing. We were shown to our rooms. The rooms were next to each other which would be handy. And then I was greeted with a suprise that topped off the start to the holiday. Each room only had one double bed in it. "ere mate there must be some mistake, these only have double beds in them, we can't share". After being reminded by the porter that these rooms were free and all the others were taken, we were left with the prospect of having to share beds. As there was nothing we could do about it tonight, it was just going to have to be top and tails.
The mornings first task was to find a cafe that would sort us out the full english and none of that spanish muck. We were in luck and there was one just round the corner from where we were staying. We all ordered breakfast and larger to wash it down with. Always good to start the drinking off early. It wasn't long after we got in there that two fit birds came and sat opposite us. Instantly Bob was on alert. "oh come on Bob at least let us eat first" but it was too late and he was already making his move. He went over to their table and sat next to them and started on his routine, it wasn't long before he called Psycho over to join him in his quest leaving me with Shaun. Breakfast was served, Bob and Psycho had their with the two birds. Shaun and myself just sat there in silence apart from the odd comment from Shaun. "looks like those two have cracked it then Mike, doubt we will see much of them this week if they are going to be on this much form". God just the thought of having to spend the whole week with Shaun was enough to make my skin crawl. "that's bollocks Shaun, we are out here as a group, they can fuck off if they think they are leaving me with you all week". And so we sat in silence again, the only time it was broken was when we could hear laughter coming from the other table. God this was going to be a nightmare.
Finally the two birds left and Bob and Psycho came back over. "come on the lads, what's the story, you gonna sort them out?". Shaun sounded even more excited than Bob and George. "they are only staying in the same hotel as us lads, so we said we would see them around during the week, we are so in it's untrue".
It was finally time for some sun and beach football. We went back to the hotel to get some of our stuff, followed by the careful purchasing of the ball, the trick is to buy one that is not to light and not one of the heavier ones. As it was still early we got to pick quite a big spot to camp down. The pitch was drawn out and the game could begin. Shaun was put in goal and it was SinBin time. As we played the beach started fill a bit and it wasn't long before our game was starting to get in the way of people. Such things didn't bother us and we played on, after all the pitch had been drawn out. Trouble was that with every passing shot it was hitting someone sat on the beach, and it wasn't long before someone shouted up. In this case it was two Geordie lads who were not best impressed at having the ball hit them every 2 minutes. "what the feck does ya think yous doin like, if ya doont stop I'll have to come oover and smash that ball reet in yas face". As Bob seemed to be the only one who could understand them he went over to make something of it. After some heated words from Bob, the Geordie boys let Bob know who was the boss with a bit of muscle. And just to add insult to injury the bigger of the two burst our ball with his fag end. "well thanks a lot lads, where was my back up, I'd have fucking sorted them if I had some back up, you have made me look a right twat". Bob stormed off.
Rest of the day was spent in the bar by the beach, until it was time to go back and get ready for a proper session on the town. We started in the bar back at the hotel, and much to delight of Bob and George their two birds from breakfast were sat in there. Complete with his splashed on Old Spice, Bob went over to try and secure some loving for the night, but he was in for a bit of a shock, before he could get over there the two birds boyfriends joined them. Now this wouldn't usually bother Dirty Bob, but the two blokes happened to be none other than the two geordie lads from the beach. "your fucking joking, what the hell are they doing with those two tossers, aint that always the way, you find a top bird and she is lumbered with some right cockend, I mean what do they see in these idiots, I bet they can't even understand them, look at them sat around as if they own the place, hey reet mon I'm tops me, tossers". When Bob gets in these sorts of moods it'a always best to just leave him to it until he shuts up, the problem is he usually doesn't. The beer was flowing and going down nicely so we stayed a bit longer where we were. Shaun had somehow got into an arguement about football with the head barman, neither of them being able to understand each other, while George and me started to add chasers to our orders until the mix of sun stroak and drink started to take effect.
Bob on the other hand was just bideing his time. He waited until the two Geordie lads got up and left the bird on their own for a bit "alright ladies, do fancy a proper good time or are you going to waste your evening with those two losers?" Renound for his quality chat up lines Bob had gone for the kill before the Geordies got back. "what do you have in mind that they don't then Bob? I mean you sure as hell don't have the muscles those two do, what can you offer?"
Two minutes later Bob returned with a much happier look on his face, "cracked it lads, this will show those two geordie twats who's the daddy. I've only gone and got the birds to meet me in my room in a few hours, I'm gonna sort them out a treat and then send them back to their geordie boyfriends wishing they could come back for more......YES".
It was time to move on to the next bar, Bob gave the two birds a wave goodbye as they sat their waving back.
We hit the bars around the town, sank more and more beer pretty much until we didn't know where the hell we were. Then I suggested that it was time for a club, everyone agreed apart from Bob who had other plans to tend to back in his room. So off he went while us three hit a club. But the days sun and the beer was finally getting the better of us and I threw up all over the dance floor and some trollop who was trying to get off with me. The bouncers kindly removed us all from the club and left us all lying in the gutter unable to see straight. We did eventually get to a Taxi and somehow managed to tell the driver where we were staying. The scary drive back brought us all round a bit, but we were just ready to get back to our rooms throw up some more and crash out.
Only we were in for one last suprise before we could get to bed. Shaun and myself had a visitor in our room, none other than Bob, a rather brusied Bob. "the fucking wankers, they set me up lads, I'll bloody get them see if I don't,". When Bob had returned to his room that night he was not greeted by the two birds but their two boyfriends, as well as teaching Bob a lesson they trashed his and George's room......and that was bad news for me and Shaun. "so it looks like me and Psycho will have to kip in here with you two".
To drunk to argue or to care at that moment, we all just crashed, four drunk men all on the one double bed.
This wasn't the holiday I was expecting........................
|The Armchair Supporter|