The Armchair Supporter
Mike The Manc
"Friday Sir, friday morning". At last, my new 36" TV was to be delivered. After a month's wait I was to finally get my hands on a screen that would make my Armchair viewing all the more enjoyable. Now it really would feel like I was there in the stands, but I wouldn't be getting cold or rained on like all those sad idiots.
So I took friday off, well I was going to want to have a play of my new toy wasn't I so that it was all set up in time for saturday morning. The only problem was I was going to need some help lifting this beast. There was no way I was risking hospital with the title race becoming more and more a one horse race now that the Super Reds are back on track. So I gave Dirty Bob a call, he's never doing anything in the mornings. "Sorry Mike I've got an interview, if I don't go to it they are gonna stop me dole". So I was left with giving Psycho a call, "Na Mike not tomorrow, I can't, not tomorrow, I'd love to, but me and Bob pulled these tarts last night and well we are taking them out like, sorry Mike, but I heard they give it up on a first date I can't risk passing this up, could be months before we get a crack at these again". BOB what did he mean BOB, fucking lying git. So much for being a mate, ever since I shagged his sister he has always been like this. "Why don't you give Shaun a ring, he'll help ya". Psycho was right it looked like it was going to have to be Shaun, fucking hell, once he comes round he will be round every week. "Yeah no problem Mike I'll be round at 7:00am, hey you never know what time these people will turn up do you".  Great Shaun at 7 in the morning, but I would get my TV sorted, small price to pay.

6:30am Friday morning and there is a banging on the door. Can't be the delivery men surly? My excitment was soon brough back down to earth when I was greeted by a very bright eyed Shaun complete with Brighton top. "What the fuck is that shit Shaun, you aint coming in wearing that. Take it off" After 5 minutes and the threat of a smack round the head, Shaun is allowed in minus that top. I ask him what time he think's it is, and he gave me some crap about UPS being prompt, he had seen the adverts or something. "Look Shaun shut up, it's far to early, I'm going up to bed for another 30 mins, make yourself at home or whatever, just don't put that top back on in my flat alright".
Come 12:15pm and I wake up and get showered and dressed. I hadn't heard a knock on the door so saw no point getting up before hand. Sorted myself out a cup of tea, not sure if Shaun drank tea I didn't bother making him one. I have only ever seen him drink Larger. Mind you I have only ever seen him in a pub. He is sat there happy enough watching the re-runs of the week football on EuroSport. I come in just as they are showing the goals from Man Utd's great win over Nantes. If ever a win sent shockwaves through Europe that was the one. Pure Brilliance. We even gave them a goal start. Beckham just scores those free kicks for fun now. I'm even thinking of getting one of them hair cuts he now has. Just waiting for Bob to come round with his clippers that he nicked from his mum. Me and Shaun pretty much sit there in silence, I aint really got a lot to say to him. What is there to say? The only thing we do both have in comman is football and if we start talking about that he will only bring up Bobby Zamora. Twat. If the bloke was any good he would be playing for Man Utd. Then what would you know a news clip about Bobby Zamora and him being linked to Spurs. "Fuck it, if we lose him we can kiss goodbye to promotion. But I suppose it would be unfair to hold him back, we are not the best team in the world are we". It's as if Shaun knows what buttons to press with me. "What the fucking hell do you think you are on about Shaun, he is shit. Brighton are shit, your kit is shit and all their fans talk shit, you have just sat here and watched Man Utd score goals that Zamora could only dream about and your saying he is good, when are you ever going to wake up and realise you go and watch a shit team in a shit stadium where you are surounded by a load of twats who actually pay to go and watch that shit, all because you think it is cool to actually go and support your team........Jesus Christ".

Ok maybe I was a bit strong but he winds me up big time. Then after a few silent minutes Shaun says sorry and that he never said Brighton were good and that he knows they are not in the same league as Man Utd. "I just like to go and follow the team that my dad first took me to see, never said they were good I just like to go and support the team that I follow, someone has to or there would only be the big teams left and that would be bad for the game". Oh god here we go the old big clubs are killing the game arguement.

But before I can enter into a new debate there is a knock at the door. At last the TV, and the fuckers are late, maybe I would be able to take out having to sit through Shaun's thoughts on the game on the delivery driver.
"Ah Mike, alright mate got your new TV delivered?" It's Bob and Psycho complete with the two birds. "We have a bit of a problem mate, Bob has locked himself out and we have nowhere to take the ladies if you know what I mean, so we were just wondering like if we could take then to your bedroom for an hour or something?" This was not the sort of day I was planning at all, fucking Shaun boring the shit out of me in the lounge and now my two mates want to use my bedroom as a brothel. I wouldn't mind but I wasn't gonna be getting any was I. "You two have a nerve, no the TV has not turned up yet, it's late and Shaun has been here since 6 fucking 30. There is no way you are going to all go shag in my room, you will just have to use the bathroom.........well tough shit that's all your getting, and wipe your feet on the Brighton shirt before you come in, I don't want dirt marks on the carpet".
I go back into the lounge and inform Shaun in was only Psycho and Bob with their birds. "They pull the women don't they Mike, wish I had their gift". "SHUT UP SHAUN".
Another 30 mins pass until I finally hear the knock at the door which tells me my TV has arrived. A whole 36" of pure heaven, football will never be the same again. "....and you would prefer to go to some stadium to watch football Shaun? looser". The bloke helps us get it into the lounge and then asks if he can quickly use the loo before he goes. Me and Shaun get to getting the beast up and running. All of a sudden I hear what sounds like a bloke crying out in pain followed by Bob shouting "Fucking pervert". Shit forgot that Psycho and Bob were shagging in the bathroom. The delivery bloke goes running out the front door blood dripping from his nose. But no time to worry about that.

Me and Shaun get the TV set up and on the stand in about 1 hour. All channels tuned in and a picture bigger than Wimbledon's home crowd. "It's a beauty Mike, lets get Sky Sports on and see what the football looks like on it". It wasn't that I was ungreatful or anything but I had, had more than enough of Shaun for one day. "Shaun mate it's not that I mean to be rude or anything but I think it is time you fucked off home, you understand, I just want to be alone with my TV for a bit". Shaun collected his Brighton top from the floor outside the front door and said goodbye and said something about popping round in the morning to watch Soccer AM with me, he had better not. I knew he would think he was my mate now.

After an hour of watching my new baby it's time to make myself another cuppa, only to find a naked Bob stood there making 4 cups of coffee. "what the hell is going on Bob, this is my kitchen". Bob just gives me that cheeky smile of his, Bob don't care much about hygine. "We have pulled a right couple here Mike, they do everything, I hope you don't mind though but I think we may have broken your bog seat". Bob then disappears back to the bathroom. I get myself a cup of tea and get back to the TV. 1 hour later I am woken by Psycho and Bob. "Cheers Mike but we are off now, your a real mate. Don't suppose you could lend us 100 each could ya, only these tarts didn't come cheap if you know what I mean, well worth the money mind". I kick the two of them out. It's been a long day and I have had enough. I glance out of the window to see Psycho and Bob fighting off two very stressed Prostitutes and what seems like 10 UPS drivers that have all come back with my delivery driver looking for revenge. Now that is what I call company togetherness.
The curtains get shut and I settle back down to the friday night live game on Sky.

Life don't get no better.....

Until next week

Mike The Manc
The Armchair Supporter
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