Two - The Album Reviews
Task Two asks the remaining nine candidates to review
three albums in three hours. The albums the candidates have
been given are: Trouble by Akon, Demon Days by Gorillaz and
Great White Hoax by Smother.
One - Betty, Terri, Paul and Sharon
leader for this task - Paul
1 min -
Paul declares he
is the best man to guide the team to victory in this task "I
was making money from music before most of you were even
buying your first album".
3 mins - Team One put on the first album,
Trouble by the ghetto rapper Akon. Shaon instantly calls
for the music to be turned off "this sounds just like the
shit the brats at home keep playing all day, turn it off
for crying out loud, I've come here to escape not be reminded
of those little shits".
6 mins - The team have been sat around
trying to take in Akon's album for the first couple of tracks
now. Paul makes an early observation, "This is the sound
from the streets today, you can hear the anger, this is
clearly a work of genius, this guy knows what is hurting him and
he knows how to express that anger".
10 mins - Betty, Terri and Sharon begin
to lose interest in Akon's album and start to talk amungst
themselves while Paul continues to listen intensively to the album.
20 mins - Paul begins to become annoyed
at the others talking while he tries to listen, "It's attitudes
like this that stop the real talent getting spotted in this country".
Terri offers her opinion back declaring "It's nothing
to do with us being narrow minded Paul, it's simply that this
album is average at best with tired opinions of life in
the ghetto and how hard life is on the street, we have heard
it all before, Akon simply has nothing fresh or new to say on
the subjects he sings about". Refusing to be beaten
in this debate, Paul answers back "Bollocks".
35 mins - Paul finally gives in and puts
on the second album, Demon Days by Gorillaz.
43 mins - Betty finds this album far more
to her liking expressing that Damon All-Bran is every students
pin up and everything he does is sheer genius, "and this
album is just more proof of that".
48 mins - Paul has again been giving the
music his full attention and sides with Betty in enjoying
this album, "This is the sound from the streets today, you
can hear the anger, this is clearly a work of genius, these
guys knows what' s hurting the kids of today and know how to express
1 hr 5 mins - Sharon is still trying to
get her head around how the gorillaz are a cartoon band but
the music is played by well known musicians who are just using
the cartoon band as a gimmick "Well that is fucking
stupid, why don't they just stop fucking around drawing cartoon
band members and try and make a decent album instead of
this shit". Terri is kind of in agreement claiming
"I find this album very repetitive, I'm finding it hard to
find the talent here, it seems to me they are trying to
be clever but are missing the trick, clearly they can play music,
but this far too bland".
1 hr 34 mins - Team One have now started
listening to the third album by the little known band Smother.
Paul is quick again to express his first thoughts on the album
"This is the sound from the streets today, you can
hear the anger, this is clearly a work of genius, these guys knows
what' s hurting the kids of today and know how to express that
1 hr 56 mins - Sharon again doesn't take
to the music she can here "It's too loud, it's too fucking
loud, turn it off, it's giving me a headache". Terri offers
a different opinion "this is very raw but you can hear
these guys are passionate about what they are doing, I can't see
them being unknown for long, very fresh, just different
enough from the genre of music they clearly come under".
2 hrs 10 mins - Betty claims to have never
heard of the band despite acting like all students when
it comes to music claiming they know all about new music and who
are the next up and coming bands, but like all students,
she is clearly full of shit.
2 hrs 35mins - It's time for Team One to
decide what reviews they are going to put forward to the
board. Sharon decides to sit back claiming she thought they were
all shit. Betty feels the Gorillaz album was the better
one if only because her hero Damon All-Bran might see the programme
and want to meet her and marry her so they can both go off and
live in some student digs somewhere fight pointless causes
against the very people they will one day work for.
2 hrs 47 mins - With time running out Paul
is still undecided just what his team will offer to the board.
"I like them all" he claims. "They all offer the
sound of the street". Terri tells Paul that there is
no room for messing around and the team will have to go with common
sense, "Smother clearly have the best album here, they
offer something new and are the only ones here with any
real talent. Gorillaz are nothing more than what they are pretending
to be which is a cartoon band and Akon just has the voice
of a whinging kid sulking about things that don't even effect
him". Paul is quick to try and claim this opinion as his
own. "Terri that is exactly what I just said and exactly
what I was going to offer to the board, you could have just said
you agreed with me".
Two - Bill, Julie, Garry, Morag and
leader for this task - Bill
1 min -
The team decide that Bill is the best person to be team leader
for this task with his experience in light entertainment.
4 mins - The first album by Akon has left
Bill almost in a state of shock "what on earth is this rubbish,
where is the catchy chorus, the tunes, the melodies, why don't
people sing anymore, no wonder the country is in the state
it is, no one can sing anymore, this is lazy rubbish".
7 mins - Garry is totally enjoying the
album by Akon and it isn't long before his ear piece phone set
is pulled out and he is trying to "bust a move".
12 mins - With Garry nursing his swollen
ankle after twisting it from dancing along to Akon, the team
settle down to decide what they think of this album. Morag is
disgusted by the way Akon sings about women, while Julie
is finding it all a bit of a turn on claiming she would be more
than willing to over look the fact that Akon can't even
talk properly let alone sing a single note.
25 mins - Garry is in deep conversation
with Morag about how Akon is simply trying to express what
happens on the street rather than "diss" women. He lends
her a copy of Usher's new Album to try and break her in
gently to RnB. "But I want it back" Garry reminds her.
38 mins - The team decide they have heard
enough and look to put the next album on. The CD's are nowhere
to be seen. Bill unsure if they were ever given the albums goes
to ask for a couple more copies.
42 mins - Bill returns. He has been assured
that his team were given copies of all the albums and they
will not be given anymore.
1 hr 4 mins - After a very long debate
between the team, Kev finally admits he has put the CD's
in his bag and had every intention of nicking them. "I was
gonna pay off some gambling debts with them, I'm not giving
them back either, if you want to listen to them so bad you can
go down HMV and buy them yourself".
1 hr 23 mins - Despite the rest of the
team turning on Kev, it is clear he is not going to give the
CD's back. Not even the sexual advances of Julie tempt Kev to
part with the albums.
1 hr 28 mins - Bored of the abuse he is
now getting Kev leaves to meet up with his scummy Chav mates,
taking the CD's with him. The team are left in silence knowing
they now face almost certain defeat in this weeks task.
1 hr 41 mins - The silence is finally broken
by Garry, "I have some Maroon 5 in the car if anyone
wants me to go get it, we can at least listen to that".
1 hr 56 mins - Garry returns with the Maroon
5 album along with two other CD's he has been listening
to in his car, "Girlie Love Ballads Vol 3" & "Karaoke
Boy Band Classics", "I used to practice along
to this one when I was trying to be in a boy band" Garry
informs the rest of the team.
2 hrs 14 mins - The team have been listening
to "Karaoke Boy Band Classics" for 17 mins and so
far Garry has been unable to dislodge Bill from the front of the
room. Bill has jumped at the chance to prove he has still
got it and has been singing along to the first 3 tracks.
2 hrs 30 mins - Bill has been singing now
for jusr over half an hour now and has so far put on quite
a good show, so good in fact that Julie has started to see Bill
in a totally different light. This new found affection for
Bill clearly grows stronger as Bill starts to sing a Boy Band
Ballad to her. Julie throws her underwear at Bill before
jumping on him and whisking a rather scared and bemused
Bill out of the room.
2 hrs 32 mins - Garry at last has his chance
to sing along to the remainder of the Karaoke CD.
2 hrs 37 mins - Having totally lost himself
in his performance to take That's "Relight my Fire",
Garry realises that his audience is only that of Morag who
seems to be giving him a look of love.
2 hrs 49 mins - Having sat in silence for
the last 12 mins Both Garry and Morag decide that with the
task only minutes away from finishing and with no sign of Bill
and Julie, they might as well call it a day. Morag suggests
they both retire to her room for a coffee but Garry suddenly remembers
a neighbourhood watch meeting he has to attend instead.
It didn't take a genius to
know which team won this weeks task and the board didn't waste
time in declaring Team One the winners. The Board were again disapointed
with the standard of the teams but were glad to point out that
Terri from Team One did infact get closer than most in her review
of the three albums. The Board pointed out that the albums by
Akon and Gorillaz were red herrings and of course could never
be classed as anything more than total dog shit, the album by
Smother was of course the one they were looking for the teams
to realise was an undiscovered cracker of an album.
So, as team leader for this task
of Team Two, Bill was asked to chose two other candidates to take
to the boardroom with him. Bill chose Morag and unsurprisingly
Kev. One of them is now going to get fired.
find out who gets the boot, enter The Boardroom here